A new outlook on life.

I'm going to get serious with this post. I know this is a very touchy subject for so many people, but I want to get this off my chest. I am not, not have I ever been "fat and proud", "Cheerfully Chubby" or "Courageously Curvacious". I mean no disrespect to people who have the confidence! But that's never been me.

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For more than 15 years I've been battling my weight and my health. I suffer from a number of illnesses, many of which can be attributed to stress and anxiety. I'm not dying. I don't have cancer. But I'm not very healthy either, and haven't been since I was 9 years old.

Me at age 9. I took dance religiously since I was 2. After I was 10, I had to stop because I was too heavy.

Right after my 10th birthday I was hospitalized off and on for the better part of a year. The doctors had me on a lot of medication and when they introduced a new pill into my regimen, my body rejected it. And I got very sick. In order to help me out, they had me on a number of steroids. Within a year I had gained more than 40 lbs. I was bullied and got into fights constantly. I was teased at school, my local hangouts and even Sunday school. And over the next 5 years I had to change schools 3 times to avoid harassment.

Me at ages 13, 14 and 15

All of that changed in High School. Per my Jr. High principal's suggestion, I applied to the magnet program at a different affiliate and got away from the people who bullied me in Junior High. High school was amazing and it's where I finally found "my people". It was then I began to be dubbed 'Queen of the Nerds' and I've never looked back. When I walked across the stage at graduation I received a standing ovation. I cried.

Fast forward to the present. I'm 25 years old, happily married and I have a full time job and many friends who love me. Yet still I felt something empty inside. I've let stress overtake my life and play the victim all these years. Who I felt I was was taken away from me when I was 10. And I've never once looked into the mirror in the last 15+ years and accepted that I am this person. A constant reminder of my demons that have followed me all these years.

So this past year I made a promise to myself...

I will stop playing the victim. I will stop letting my weight and my anxiety define me. I will get down to a size 10 and look fantastic at my brother's wedding. Losing weight is not my main focus. Being fit and being healthy is! And I've taken up some new life style changes to get me there.

• Yoga at home every day.
• Weight training
• I go running at least once a week.
• Training for my first 5K.
• Dancing, Hoola Hooping and other fun activities.
• Little to no alcohol.
• Absolutely no aspartame, artificial sweeteners or caffeine.
• Healthy meals, all three meals.
• I have a bed time.
• Low GI diet.

Our diet is now a Low-GI diet to help me control my stress and anxiety. In just 2 weeks I've noticed a world of a difference. I feel so much stronger and more confident. I'm using Fitocracy when I can remember. And Reddit's amazing nutrition, loseit and fitness communities have been a big help.

I may not be brave enough to wear a bikini this summer. Or to wear a Slave Leia costume at comic con just yet.  But I feel confident. And that's all that matters.

Here's what has improved in just the past few weeks:

• My skin and hair are healthier.
• My body is toning up. My posture is improving.
• I've been grinding my teeth at night less.
• My insomnia has pretty much disappeared.
• My headaches are gone.
• Panic attacks are becoming more rare.
• My happy-silly attitude that I was known for in HS has returned.
• I feel like my old self again.

My goals are simple. To overcome my stress. Take back my life. And feel confident in the body I was given. By eating better and living a healthier life style, I'm taking control of the things that were holding me back. I'm happier. I stress less. And I actually love myself when I look into the mirror.

Today.

Thanks for being so supportive.

<3 Stephanie

Weekend in full bloom

Random weekend adventures. A field of flowers hidden in Carrolton, Texas

my fantastic husband. <3

With the weather starting to settle out and "spring" in full bloom, I've been getting a lot of practice with my camera. I've still got a lot to learn but in the few months I've had my Nikon D50, I've learned so much. Over the past weekend, Jeremy and I drove past this field and had to pull over. It was such a great photo opportunity and I'm really getting the hang of going full manual on my camera.

Flowers and bugs aside, this weekend was great. We grabbed the latest issue of The Walking Dead, #110 and it did not disappoint! Mother's day was also fun. We taught my mother and aunt how to play Phase 10, though it ended in a draw because they had to leave before the game was over.

Happy Monday everyone!
<3 Stephanie

And then she chopped off her hair

before //// after

I probably should've mentioned, but the purple didn't last long. My hair just seems to be the type that doesn't want to hold color. I had burgundy dyed over it a month ago and even that faded out extremely quickly. So I went back to the salon last night and had them do what I've been dreaming of for a very long time... chopped off my long hair!

I had short hair for the longest time in High School and college. It wasn't until the last few years that it's been long. But I never really felt happy with it. It was either up or it was down. A pony tail or a bun. And ever since I cut it off, I feel like my old self again. Short hair really suits my personality.

Jinkies.


<3 Stephanie

Lumpy Space Cupcakes

Last week I had a ridiculous urge to bake cupcakes. My original intention was to make my own funfetti cupcakes, but after adding the sprinkles into the batter, ALL of the food coloring rubbed off, turning the batter a faint grey. That's when I had the idea to turn these into something new!

I used Wilton Gel colors in purple and pink. My purple gel had started to congeal, so I used a tiny amount of almond milk to get the color out of it. The result was beautiful purple cupcakes and icing.

You don't have to go fancy with the mix either. I used a store-bought white mix and added the zest of 1 lemon to give it more depth of flavor.

I've got one more box of cake mix sitting on the counter. I wonder what I'll make next? Maybe some Jake cupcakes using carrot cake or orange zest.

<3 Stephanie